LOVE + LETTING GO

Raise your hand if you’re also in the “I’ve been in love with somebody I can’t be with for some circumstantial reason and it sucks to let go of my attachment to the dream of being with them” club.

Loving is inherently risky. It’s wild and powerful. Vulnerable. Love is surprising.

I am going through a bit of a blasted tower moment. I had dreams and hopes for my love to take on a specific form. I was interested in pursuing a relationship with somebody I love deeply. And when I realized that wasn’t possible, at least not right now, I felt heartbroken.

It’s such a profound feeling, to feel resonance with another human—to feel an alignment with the goals and dreams and values and visions of another. It’s so special to find that. And then, for whatever circumstantial reason, it’s not the right time for that relationship to flourish in that moment. This is hard to reconcile with.

Each person must pursue their own path apart from the other, due to whatever commitments or conditions that conflict with the possibility of that relationship flourishing. This is what I’m going through.

On one hand it’s devastating, painful. A great loss. Disappointing. Wave after wave of grief. And yet sweet heart openings follow every wave of grief.

On the other hand, God is good, and my faith is strong. In good faith, I understand that this connection, for what it’s worth, gives me many things. For one, it is proof that this profound sense of alignment and connection is very real, very possible. And even though a relationship is not viable right now under these circumstances, it is possible. I will find it again one day. This are a few of the many gifts from this connection. Another gift is the plain irrevocable fact that it just won’t work out right now. That can only mean there are so many mysterious, new opportunities beyond the horizon for me. What awaits?

The hardest thing about loving is being attached to hopes and dreams and then letting go of them. Accepting uncertainty. Finding something so beyond wonderful and letting it go when it’s not 1000% aligned, even when it ticks so many important boxes.

But thank God I have no choice but to be stripped of what isn’t perfectly aligned for me, even given as attached to a certain idea or dream as I may be. Thank God. I’ve learned this much in life. I’d rather be a bare naked soul, holding on to nothing, arms and heart wide open, floating in a void, than I would wrapped up in something that isn’t perfectly aligned. Less grasping on to things that aren’t a perfect fit = more fluidity, more vitality, more energy, more blessings.

I used to be more forceful and attached in love and relationships. I’ve become more graceful at letting go and accepting what is. Even during really painful moments, there is still tremendous love. I am so loved and supported. It’s much easier in the long run to surrender to the current of where my life, vitality, and intuition all move me, than it is to force things or grasp on to them. This is the best and hardest thing about love. I have no control over it.

On this note, I’m wide open. I’m floating in a void. I’m releasing myself to possibilities, staying present, opening to this wonderful mysterious world. Cheers to it all.

Also, I can’t wait to meet my future husband somewhere in this void…

Thanks to the folks who recently answered my little Instagram story poll—you’ve made it obvious to me that SO many of us either are or have been in the same “I’ve been in love with somebody I can’t be with for some circumstantial reason and it sucks to let go of my attachment to the dream of being with them” boat.

Here’s a bit on where I’m at with that right now:

I am 25. I have dreams of marriage and partnership. I want a lot of children. At first I thought 3, and now I’m thinking… goodness knows, maybe 8? Since I was 13, I was clear on these things.

Over the years I’ve become clear about specific details that I envision having in my future. I’d like my own home in a sprawling, rural environment. I know how I want to raise my children. I know what I want in a partner. I want a tight-knit community to blend different aspects of my life with—raising children, family, work, purpose, home, etc.

I’m also clear that I have not 100% arrived at a place where I’m ready to embrace the manifestation of my dream partnership quite yet. Late last year, I decided to plan a trip to Israel for three months, sandwiched between a few more months of road-tripping in the US. This, for me, meant that I would most likely have to give up the possibility of entering a committed relationship during that time period. Even if I met somebody fantastic.

Ironically, romantic connections started presenting themselves to me around the same time that I decided I was going to keep myself open and transient.

The gift in falling in love with people I would inevitably have to let go of was having the choice to see and embrace them for who they truly are, regardless of circumstance. It blessed me with freedom. It gave me an opportunity to discover an abundance of love within myself. I was able to love others more openly than I’d ever been able to—even more so than when I’d been in committed relationships prior.

Whether I’m alone or connected these days,  for the most part I remain feeling in love. My faith is vibrant. I am the Fool, stepping blindly over a cliff ledge. I think God is a postman who doesn’t operate on a timeline and never messes up a delivery. In the moments I forget I ordered a package, I tend to stumble upon it right then.

I can’t wait to one day share my internal richness with a life partner and children of my own. Until then, I’m coasting. I’m feeling fluid and at ease.

I’m glad for the ways loss and change have both shaped my internal landscape and fortified my faith. These aspects have made it so that no matter who enters or leaves my life, no matter my circumstances, and no matter the forms any of it takes on, I am still able to remember the ways that I’m already connected to love. I’m always connected to love.

With every change and loss I experience in life, I have an opportunity to rediscover my intrinsic fullness. I cherish this truth.

My well deepens with every encounter, every transformation, and every heartbreak. I feel in love right now. I have am blessed to have shared love with so many different people in so many different forms. Sadness still sometimes comes in waves, yes, though those waves soften me with each turn. Light continues to pour in through the cracks of my heart.

As hard as it is to sacrifice an immediate sense of comfort, familiarity, and emotional security in exchange for fulfilling the promise I’d made to myself to explore the unknown potential of my future, I feel confident about the path I’m walking right now.

If you feel inspired, I’d love to hear about your journey with love and loss and things of the like. We’re less alone than we imagine. I share my stories here to build community and create connections. I welcome you to do the same here in the comments, and I’m curious to hear from you. 💙